things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals