I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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