mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
