im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
