Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
