I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
