so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
