you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
