a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My feet surprised me
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