sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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