it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
