k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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