Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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