She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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