I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
