Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
