Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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