u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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