I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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