FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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