Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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