since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Did I show you my penis last night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
