My sheets look like a crime scene.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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