Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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