can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
