she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
