Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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