Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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