i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
