at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
