a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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