I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
