No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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