when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
