So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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