There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
