God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
