Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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