theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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