you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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