Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
smell my finger.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
