I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
