So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
