We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
