Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
