She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The uberlube is also flammable
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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