Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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