I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
