I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
