Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
