I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
