sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
