you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
