judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
