people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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