you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
