Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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